this book by cherie carter-scott is a good read, some notes:
Creating agreements:
begin by sitting down together and discussing what your shared intention is for your union. start by addressing a few basic questions, like what is the purpose of your union, what you intend to do to each other, and how you will care for your relationshisp establish rules and responsiblilities.
each raises questions or concerns about what are the primary concerns for our union and discuss them openly to find a common ground. a good relationship should be fully trusted, open hearted and love,love each other as a person, give each other rooms to grow, communicate well for any issues, enjoy life together…
neither person in a relationship arries perfect. every individual is on a path of continous improment, and one of the main benefits of having a loving partner is the support that she offeers as you make your way along your path. two whole perple supporting each other is a powerful combination that can ultimately help you both in yoru personal growth processes.
express appreciation,a few word of appreciation can have a impact deep inside one’s heart for many years. a little gratitude goes a long way in love relationship.
without clear communication, there is no means through which partners cna bridge their inner realities. they remain two single people engaged in a paired dynamic, which looks like a partnership from teh outside but lacks the invisible webbing that connects their hearts and souls. they may experience feelings of isolation and loneliness despite the presence of their partner in their life, for nothing creates a more poignant ache than being in close proximity yet emotionally distance.
A bent, withheld, or broken truth is on eof the surest ways to erode communication and trust. if one person is caught in a mistruth, then mistrust arises and a wall is built between the partners. even if the mistruth is not rrevealed, unspoken barriades are erected out of the energy created by withheld secrets. either way there is a glitch tin the communication flow that leads to division rather than union.
your partner is not a mind reader, and no matter how close you are, she can never really know exactly what is going on in your mind and what you are feeling at every moment. it is up to you to tell her what you are feeling, what you wnat her to know, and to ask for what it is that you want from her.
No stone in the basket: we each carry a small, invisible basket around in our minds. in order to operate at maximum effectiveness as a human, it is best for theat basket to remain empty and light, so as not to weigh us down, much like the buddhists’ ideal of a “Zen Mind”. occasionally we might hold on to a feeling of resentment, anger, annoyance, or any other negative reaction, neglecting, or refusing to release it to the person for whom it is intended, and that feeling turns into a stone. each sone gets placed into the basket in our mind and remains there until we consciously choose to root it out and discard it. The problem comes when people with heavily weighted baskets (and hence minds) try to pretend that all is just fine. No matter how hard they try, the rattling of those stones in the basket will distract them and clutter their thoughts. the weight of the stones will press down oon them like a heavy burden, keeping them from optimal mobility. hence the goal is to keep your basket free of stones so that you can function without the handicap of a head full of rocks. The goal in authentic unions is to toss out stones as quickly as possible when they appear. keep them around for any reason will do nothing but weigh down you and your relationship.
Working through impasses: couples disagree. this is as certain as saying the sky is blue. all coouples, at one time or another, will have to grapple with opposing opinions, desires, or needs. what differentiates an authentic couple, however is that they endeavor to sort out their differences and avoid letting their disagreements escalate into arguments. An argument is similar to a disagreement in content but vastly different in intent. An argument is like investing energy into winning the other person over to your opinion.